you just won't get it until you feel it

the line disappearing. how it's amazing to touch someone. all the time. how it feels the same amount of amazing to touch their bare skin as you kiss them as it does to hug them through layers of sweatshirts. how long late night kisses give you as many shivers as quick kisses goodbye. when holding hands and holding their words in your head all day gives you the same butterflies. when you feel the same tension as you hold her gasping body in your hands as she holds down a scream as when you see her across a room for the first time that day. or the millionth.

    "I'm glad I get to kiss you over and over and not care that I can't breath, because there is nothing else I would rather take my breath away"

sometimes it bothers me

it doesn't hurt really so much as...it is irritating. not in an angry way. in the way a new piercing feels irritated. not pain exactly but its uncomfortable and you find yourself paying attention to it when you don't want to.  I was at one point one of the most important people in your life, held in a hierarchy reserved for those who guided your life in ways even you couldn't find a way to, and now I matter less than strangers. The balance, it was never quite there anyway.

some days I just want to crawl inside our fantasy land and take a nap. le sigh.

actions speak louder than words

and, I don't mean to be rude and I know I asked but, shut the fuck up please?

ugh. girls? they are definitely a strange alien species. she is sooooo sweet and cuddly and full of kisses and hugs and hand holding and cute little gestures like the way she squeezes like shes is keeping me from ever leaving when she hugs me and the way she pulls me in to kiss her

but then I ask (because I am a masochistic moron) "so what exactly....like...how do you feel about me?"

"well I like hanging out with you and I like kissing you, but that's pretty much how it is"

(oh really because you were just cuddling up with me ubber cute a couple hours ago and holding me like you cared a little. my bad, misunderstood that)

*enter "take me or leave me" from the rent soundtrack*
(god I love that song...just not when it's my life I guess....but really, damn good song)

so, this is just sort of how you fill you're time then...in your perspective all the sickeningly cute things we do and the way you hold on to me all night when we go out like you don't want me to leave your side? the way you want to see me every day? the way you text me all day and tell me you love that I am your first and last text of every day? just, you know, whatever. no big deal, just kind of fun I guess? there is no feeling there at all? you just like hanging out with me and you like kissing me (well duh, I am an amazing kisser, people who hate me could love kissing me, that gives you no grounds here). this is really just some sort of basic friendship to you? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO WITH THE PEOPLE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN?!? I am ranting...I know, you suck at telling me what you mean or feel or whatever and you...kind of sort of are starting to like me? okay we were drunk, I think you like me. but seriously? it would just be nice to hear sometimes. kthanksbye

you seem to be getting funky lately

and by that, Alex, I mean you seem to be in a funk. (so if you get boogy, would you be in a boog? is that like a sasquache? sorry, got distracted...)

soooooo I figure you may need me to actually write out all of why I love you, not just say I love you cause YOU'RE AMAZING AND AWESOME and leave it at that....ohhhhh let me count the wayyyyys....

remember that time you said I was wildly caught up in craigs emotional scams and was looking for nothing but doom by following my love of the idea of him? which time you say? exactly I say, exactly.
remember that time (this is starting to remind me of that regina spector song...which I have decided to listen to while I write this now) remember when you randomly ran up to me in the hallway in hs and gave me a big friggin hug so I would smile? okay, I don't remember one specific time for that either, but that only proves the awesomeness further
remember that time you indulged (and fully enjoyed) my lack-logic insanity by cruely torturing and cutting the pieces and ligaments of the chicken wing with me the first month you met me? yeah, it takes a special kind of person, and you are very special to me indeed
hey remember that time we sat in your room and just shared our secrets because we broke the wall and it all just started flowing out and became like connected at the soul in one afternoon? I do
hey remember when everyone was being reaaaallllly crazy and we were getting into the really terrible hard points of our lives where everything we tried to touch turned to distruction and we stopped speaking for like 3 years? probably the best thing that could of happened to our friendship. we would of torn each other to pieces otherwise, no matter how much we like to think otherwise. we needed to get some shit straight (haha or not so straight?) with ourselves to be able to be friends and not just...triggers. I think you coming back means a lot more to me than you not leaving.
hey remember when I sent you that text that said I am currently hugging the crap out of your soul and by the time you finish reading this it will be too late? well, I did it again...

I LOVE YOU!

"I was just wondering, when you tell people stories from your life, do they ever just NOT believe you?"

yeah, all the time. people probably think I'm a really big liar. tis all truth though. last night is an example for the books haha.

so Ryan and Muffin enter my house as I mix pancake...mix. pancakes made, lets do poppers....

"I feel like... I'm watching this world through a thin mirror...like I'm not far away but just a little not close..."
and that was the start of the morning.

lets do my hair!
bleeeeeaaaaachhhhhh....oh so bleachy, everyones topless (to avoid bleach stains...of course...)

okay, lets drink some beer while it sets. hahah yummm bud light and lime, in cups, with bendy straws. which were proven innefective and pushed aside for chugging.

more poppers

hookah!!!! and poppers...oh  man...so no more sober. dye time!

they each took a side. I was in charge of tinfoil. we were all sitting on my bathroom floor. sitting because standing was officially not an option. we used gloves though. hahahahha. didn't help much...

"it's not racist! we buy our hair dye at EBONY. it IS black people hair dye!"

"ryan I'm asian!"
"thats waisisht!" (which sounds like wasted when you hear it...and the slurring...)

hair dryer to heat up the hair dye....muffin just blows all the tin foil around the bathroom from my head...
intoxication us the mother of invention. found out how to get hair dye off the sink and floor and tub and my face...white toothpaste. yes. why did we try that? don't ask....it works though...

"you completely missed my roots, lemmy fix this...."
yeah..that ended as well as you're thinking it did...

hair dyed, lets get some eats...walkin to mcdonalds with fudge and a few ciggs.
yay for free refills! hahah. I made a hobo bouquet for ryans mom on the way. which means I picked random flowers off trees and peoples grass and put them in a water bottle I found on the street...it was pretty.
"I am planning my whole days spending around that four loco."
we consume foooood and laugh to death.
"ryan...remember when I told you I used a condom? I didn't....you're pregnant"
(ryans look of absolute oh shit wtf do I do)
he didn't hear the last part....and thought it was serious...oh love.
"oh my god! *shows me a broom from under the booth*"
"we should take it"
yeah...we stole a broom from mcdonalds...just cause. then we went to the laundry mat to charge our phones
"ma'am, I found this broom under your table"
"oh"
"would you like it for your fine establishment?"
"um..no..."
well, you tried ryan.
we walked to nicks smoking a hookah....like carrying it as we walked. boss. we still had the broom. yeah...
nicks room is an alternate universe of which logic cannot transend.
"whats going on?"
"he can only travel through skeet"
"oh.." *goes back to sleep*

"because he just has a very sociable penis"

"do you know what a paraplegic cricket is?!" (it was worse than it sounds)

on the way home, I became facinated with osmosis....

they never talk about the kiss of life

But their is a feeling of alive you can only taste when you feel you are where you belong. Certain people just...taste like home. The problem comes when you get homesick.

On an entirely separate note, flower shops in the ghettos of hempstead? As amusing as it sounds. The woman sounded like eartha kitt. Like she could do voodoo if flowers weren't enough.

Fudge and I went to school with alex today. I wanted to drop out 20 mins in until I remembered I wasn't even enrolled. How did I graduate cume laud from NCC? Oh right, the girl wonder haha.

Alex, your drunk boyfriend could set off the sprinklers in any firesafe hallway. Bring a towel ;-)

Slinky!

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your inconsitancy

is making me want to go back to sleep. it's kind of hurtful in a way I can't explain. please just tell me what it is that you want. or anything at all.

because alex likes to keep up with these things, but is apparently too busy to just talk to me about them :-P

we went to the movies and saw Arthur. which was hillarious

I know this, despite spending half the movie having more than minor heart attacks trying to work up the courage to hold her hand (which she had almost convienently placed right on the other side of the armrest from me...just an inch of still awkward). literally it was like "okay, I'm gonna do it....oh crap my heart just got reallllllly friggin loud, can she hear that?"

but um...when I finally stopped hyperventilating and covering it up with laughter, and I did hold her hand, (to use a patented ryan and muffin phrase) everything was suddenly in HD. there were literal physical changed to the world

dinner? amazing. we talked about things you can't really talk about, you know, the things that really matter and not the things you think people will be okay with hearing. it's nice to not have to pretend.

on the way home she texted me to make sure I had fun, I thanked her profusely.
she said she was a little surprised there was no kiss

(woman you just shifted the entire universe by holding my hand  are you trying to kill me?!?)

I told her I like that we're taking things slow and I get time to savor every single step and let it linger just a little, something I had never really gotten the chance to do before with anyone I cared enough about to actually DO IT.

she said maybe friday then. then I died. the end.

i remember feeling so alone for far too long and thinking "to have to wait this long and go through so much, she better be worth it"

If I had to wait another 20 years, she still would be worth every second :-)

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I love you more than God loves killing isrealites

Haha when anyone tells me they don't understand how I could love someone so deeply, I tell them that when I asked how much you loved me, that was your response. It was perfect. That is still how I remember you. Perfect.

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oh wifey

or should I say wifey's? epic threesome, summer here we come. plans are rolling like nobody's business. prom sleepovers and drunking beach lounging and salvia exploration and risque peircings and all the epic we can stand. I cannot be happier than this, this right here.

"everyone will leave you if you give them the chance, but the ones who really matter will always come back"

A date?!!?

Talking about what you want for our first kiss, smiling at me like looking at me makes you smile, all the sweet things you text me when we can't talk face to face...hm.

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and this part has a SICK drum beat

I can't imagine you in
black and white
the colors just too mixed for
casual light
and if I cross the road
just give me a chance
if I can make it rain
just give me one dance
if the wind blows all my
words away
read my lips and
taste what I say